A Quart of Penis ([info]spencer_mato) wrote,
@ 2007-07-25 16:41:00
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Current mood: Sexy
Current music:Cryptorchild - Marilyn Manson

Lighter Fare
To follow that rather angry post I have a poem I wrote at work while I was waiting for people to come into the shop. I rather like it, although it could use some work maybe. Let me know.

The Obelisk

Over golden waves I drift,
Sun reflecting off the waves,
Refracting,
Into prismatic colors,
That carry me,
Gently,
To golden sand hills,
And dense golden forests,
Swaying,
around an obelisk.
It stands before me,
Vain,
A reddened majestic tower,
Against a pure white sky.
Gingerly,
I lay my hand on its side,
And run around the base,
Searching,
For the spot that will eject its secret.
As I become more flustered I move faster,
Faster,
Begging for the secret within.
It becomes warm beneath my hand,
Hot,
And begins to tremble.
I feel it shudder,
Pulse,
And its secret appears plain,
White clouds in a white sky that rain,
Thickly,
Into my body, filling my wish.
The obelisk crumbles and I walk away,
Sadly,
Leaving for my home land,
Of the red hills where I share the secret,
Truth,
With those who were not able to make the journey.




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Poem
[info]sryope26
2007-07-27 06:12 pm UTC (link)
Spencer -
It's not too bad. I like the subtle yet obvious sexual imagery you're presenting - your imagery is really strong, and that's good. the wording itself is a bit repetetive, especially around the beginning - you overuse the words "waves" & "golden." However, I enjoy the way you use a variety of "color" words through out.

With perhaps some new word choices to give it more variety, and maybe even adding another couple of lines of "action" in the middle, this could be a really good poem. It's a very solid beginning.

I've been writing poetry since age 12, and still write with a Thesaurus nearby. :)

Good luck!
-SG

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Re: Poem
[info]spencer_mato
2007-07-27 09:46 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for the advice, but everything in the word choice was intentional. It was orginally called "The Golden Journey" but I changed it because the journey itself wasn't the focal point.

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